It is hard to say the first emotion we experience when we make our first arrival into the world. Many of us would say, love, euphoria, but when we think about those first moments of our arrival, and all the sensory bombardment we experience for the first time, I would put forth that the first thing we feel in our new life is fear. After all, who would expect after emerging from our dimly lit, warm safe haven where we don’t have to even worry about inhaling and exhaling it is quite a shock to our system.

With any luck, most of us will be brought in a secure loving environment, where our exposure to more extreme or harrowing experiences will be minimal, and we will be encouraged to cope with our experiences in a positive manner. Unfortunately, us humans are quite good at coming up with our own fears, whether they are based on rationality, or come completely from left of field. To name a handful, many children are fearful of dogs, (this was the case in many of the children that came to my mother’s house who did not own a dog) or insects, or heights. Speaking for myself, I have no idea where my fear of spiders come from, but to this day they will not be welcome in my home..ever.

It’s also those emotional fears that we learn as we grow, these manifest in different forms,  for instance that fear we feel when we witness our family argue, or the anxiety we feel when we face our peers at school, that they will not accept us or single us out for being different.

As a parent, this anxiety is particularly deep-rooted in regards to TB, as he is Autistic. Although he has communicated in quite a limited fashion, it is still unclear what how he sees his world around him and his peers. When he feels the desire to make friends, will he attempt this in a reasonably appropriate fashion, and if so, will they accept him? Or will he ever feel the need for friendship? Fortunately from what i have seen of him, i feel that he will feel that desire. And then there’s the transportation issue.

I can never predict accurately if  he will be cooperative, as some days he will be fueled by a supercharge of energy, and i will have to super power walk to have any hope to keep up with him. I have actually had to run to catch up with him, so he would not run onto the open car park with little regard for the other parents taking their kids home from school. If you think i am exaggerated this possibility, this did happen one afternoon in which he was feeling particularly agitated, and bolted to my car, screaming leaving me and the other two kids in his wake. This anxiety and fear regarding my son extends to taking him out to the shops. While many mums will avoid taking Autistic children out in anticipation to how they will cope with the experience, I have always seen it as a necessity to expose him to the experience of shopping, as hectic and stressful as it may be. (believe me, many mini breaks, time outs and hugging/restraining has been incorporated into this!)

There are many other questions i have briefly pondered regarding the future of my children, but for now they are quite confronting for me to focus on, so for now i feel that my best option is to build from the ground up, periodically review our position and base our strategy for the future from there.

I have had to as myself the question, “How will I cope with my son, (now seven) ten to fifteen years from now?” especially if the circumstances arise that he is not independent enough to live alone, and i end up caring for him? The biggest question relating to myself regarding this issue was “will i actually be physically able?” This question that I asked myself was one of the questions that led me to making a change in my lifestyle and to lose weight.

That was not the only fear that spurred me to lose weight. I have attempted to lose weight on numerous occasions, the first major motivation for me to lose weight was me looking in the mirror envisioning myself trapped on a bed pleading “help me” and requiring a crane to transport me out of there.  That first time, that fear motivated me to lose twenty kilograms, which I regained after having children.

The second fear motivator was based more on reality. Before I had my first child my paternal Nana lost her battle to bowel cancer. She did not get to meet her first grandchild. Then my Uncle from my mother’s side was diagnosed with bowel cancer and had to get his bowel removed. There was no way i wanted to face the situation where my waste was collected in a bag. Thirdly, shortly afterwards, my maternal grandmother succumbed to complications of bowel cancer and passed away, while TB was still quite young. This was all spaced over a five-year period, so it took a while to recognise the warning signs.

Adding to that, my paternal Aunt having quite problematic knees required knee surgery, as did my father, and my mother also has quite arthritic knees. Looking at the problems they faced with their knees forced me to take stock of the risk factors that would affect my health and capacity to care for my children, and so far I have managed to lose a substantial amount of weight.

I am fortunate to have the opportunity to use my treadmill at home, which alleviates the possibility of missing out on my exercise due to circumstances, weather patterns and timing, although my knees are currently showing signs of presenting delays in reaching my goal. I am more fearful that I will become to injured to continue on with my weight loss journey. Although I enjoy swimming, which alleviates the pressure from my knees, with my husband working away from home throughout the week and me working, I simply do not get to the pool. This is why after this week, when my knees were presenting me with considerable warning signs, I have had to purchase some gym equipment as a means to exercise with less pressure on my knees. Yes the timing is not great, it may have presented a great inconvenience to some people, but unfortunately, the human body does not factor timing and convenience, which is why I have made the move to continue to take protective measures in regards to the progress I have made so far, and so I am not compromised in my physical capacity to care for my family.